


Wolf Moon, Or Kalteen Bars Bring All The Werewolves To The Yard.

by cunthouse



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossover, F/M, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-24 11:44:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1603940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cunthouse/pseuds/cunthouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The original script for S01E01 has been found.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wolf Moon, Or Kalteen Bars Bring All The Werewolves To The Yard.

INT–SCOTT’S HOUSE–BATHROOM–NIGHT 

Scott‘s washing his face with a brand-new Clean And Clear scrub when he hears some kind of a noise outdoors.

SCOTT

(whispering)

Dafuq?

 

EXT–SCOTT’S HOUSE–NIGHT 

Scott goes out dressed in hard pink pajamas and armed with a nunchaku.

 

SCOTT

Who’s there?

(pause)

 I can hear you, lil bitch.

 

Stiles appears out of a bush.

 

STILES

Sorry, I just needed to pee.

SCOTT

Ew, man. Here?

STILES

Whatever. Listen. You know what my dad found in the woods? A body!

SCOTT

Gross. What kind of body?

STILES

A dead body.

SCOTT

How dead is it?

STILES

…

SCOTT

…

STILES

Totally dead.

 

Scott thinks for a moment.

 

SCOTT

 So?

STILES

Well, it’s not exactly a body. Just a half of it.

SCOTT

Ew.

STILES

We have to go find the other half.

SCOTT

Which one, btw?

STILES

I dunno.

SCOTT

Seriously, man. Are we gonna search for the top or the bottom?

STILES

…

SCOTT

…

STILES

Anyway, we gotta go.

SCOTT

K, let’s go.

 

EXT–WOODS–NIGHT 

Scott and Stiles are going through the woods.

 

SCOTT

I’m scared, Stiles.

STILES

Don’t. I’m here.

SCOTT

Ok, I’m not scared anymore.

 

The flashes appear from afar.

 

SCOTT

OMG, cops are coming. We’d better get out of here.

STILES

Nah. This way.

 

Stiles turns left, but bumps into his dad (SHERIFF). Scott hides.

 

STILES

Ooops.

SHERIFF

What the hell are you doing here?

STILES

Just chilling, you know. Like other 16-year-old teens wandering through the woods.

SHERIFF

Got it.

STILES

May I go?

SHERIFF

Nope. Let’s go home.

 

Stiles sighs.

 

SCOTT

(whispering)

 Great.

 

EXT-SCHOOL-YARD-DAY 

Stiles meets Scott.

 

SCOTT

You left me there all alone. I was sooo scared.

STILES

Sorry.

 

Scott makes puppy eyes.

 

STILES

Oh. Want a hug?

SCOTT

Yes.

 

Stiles hugs Scott.

 

SCOTT

Ok, you know what happened out there? Look!

 

Scott shows his hand.

 

STILES

What am I supposed to see here?

SCOTT

My nail!

(pause)

It’s broken.

STILES

Ouch.

SCOTT

Exactly.

STILES

That’s terrible. What are you gonna do?

SCOTT

I dunno. I’m so done.

 

Scott sighs.

 

SCOTT

Btw, look. A werewolf bit me.

STILES

Oh, cool. C’mon, we gonna be late.

 

INT-SCHOOL-CLASS-DAY 

A teacher and a girl come in.

 

TEACHER

Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that we have a new student joining us. She just moved here all the way from Africa. Her name is Allison. Allison Argent.

 

The girl sits behind Scott. She touches his shoulder.

 

ALLISON

Hey, dude. Do you have a pencil I can borrow?

SCOTT

Are you going to write in pencil? Do you live under the rock or something?

ALLISON

Close.

SCOTT

And did you forget a pen on the first day of school?

ALLISON

I don’t need a pen, I need a pencil.

SCOTT

Ok. Choose one.

 

Scott gives her a pencil set.

 

ALLISON

I’ll take a red one.

SCOTT

It’s blood orange.

ALLISON

Blood orange?! You’re so pretentious. Shut up, it’s fucking red.

 

She rolls her eyes.

 

ALLISON

(mocking)

Blood orange.

 

INT–SCHOOL–CORRIDOR–DAY 

LYDIA and JACKSON approach Allison.

 

LYDIA

Why don’t I know you?

ALLISON

I’m new. I just move here from Africa.

LYDIA

Whaaaat?

ALLISON

I used to be home-schooled.

LYDIA

Wait. Whaaaat?

ALLISON

My mom taught me at home.

LYDIA

Wait. Whaaaat?

ALLISON

At home.

LYDIA

No, no. I know what home-schooled means. I’m not retarded. So you’ve never been to a real school before?

 

Allison shakes head.

 

LYDIA

Shut up.

ALLISON

LYDIA

Shut up!

ALLISON

LYDIA

Shut the fuck up!

ALLISON

Shut the fuck up yourself.

 

Awkward pause.

 

LYDIA

But you’re like really pretty.

 

Jackson looks at Lydia.

 

JACKSON

(to Lydia)

 What?

 

Lydia winks. Allison’s chuckling. Jackson’s buffering.

 

LYDIA

Oh my god, I love you jacket. Where did you get it?

ALLISON

Wal-Mart.

LYDIA

What's Wal-Mart? Do they like, sell wall stuff?

ALLISON

Kind of.

LYDIA

It’s adorable.

JACKSON

It’s so fetch.

LYDIA

(crossly)

What is “fetch”?

JACKSON

Oh, it’s like slang from England.

 

Lydia rolls her eyes.

 

EXT–WOODS–DAY 

Stiles and Scott are walking.

 

STILES

You played really good today.

SCOTT

Yeah, I suppose it’s because of the broken nail.

STILES

Wait, what? What’s the connection?

SCOTT

God, Stiles, you’re so stupid.

 

Suddenly a man all dressed in black appears and throws an inhaler into Scott.

 

STILES

That’s DEREK Hale.

SCOTT

Ok. But what the hell? That inhaler is not even mine.

 

Derek goes away.

 

STILES

He’s so hot.

SCOTT

Okey, you did not just say that.

STILES

What? He’s hot.

SCOTT

He is a man.

STILES

Yeah, but he’s hot.

SCOTT

No, honey.

STILES

That’s not right, is it?

SCOTT

That is so not right.

 

INT–PET HOSPITAL–NIGHT 

Scott’s singing “Memory” from Cats musical. Cats are spitting. The doorbell rings. Scott opens the door. Allison appears.

 

ALLISON

I killed a dog.

SCOTT

(horrified)

Oh my god, why?

ALLISON

Well I didn’t do it on purpose. I took my eyes off the roads to take a selfie, and then it just happened. Anyway, the dog is in my car. You wanna see?

SCOTT

Ew. Why do you keep a dead dog in your car?

ALLISON

Well it’s not completely dead. Have a look.

 

Scott transports the injured dog inside.

 

ALLISON

Hope he’s ok.

SCOTT

He will be.

ALLISON

May I take your shirt?

SCOTT

(hesitates)

But you haven’t returned my pencil yet.

ALLISON

I lost it.

SCOTT

Whaaaaat?

ALLISON

Whatever, I’m taking your shirt.

SCOTT

But you’ll wet and stretch it.

 

Allison disappears to change clothes while Scott’s talking to a dog. Allison comes back.

 

ALLISON

You wanna go to that party with me?

SCOTT

Gross, no way.

ALLISON

You will get your shirt back.

SCOTT

Okay then.

ALLISON

Coolness.

 

INT–SCOTT’S HOUSE–HIS ROOM-NIGHT 

Scott’s sleeping.

 

EXT–WOODS–MORNING 

Scott wakes up wearing his My Little Pony boxer briefs. He decides to go for a run.

 

INT–SCHOOL–CORRIDOR–DAY 

Jackson approaches Scott.

 

JACKSON

(articulating)

Where are you getting your juice?

SCOTT

It’s not juice. It’s these weird nutritious bars my mom uses to kick ass.

JACKSON

Give me one.

SCOTT

Okay, but there’s some weird ingredient in them that’s not legal in the US yet.

JACKSON

Ephedrine?

SCOTT

JACKSON

Phentermine.

SCOTT

JACKSON

Then what?

SCOTT

Steroids. They let you see and smell thing that you shouldn’t be able to see and smell.

JACKSON

Damn, but I just wanted to lose 3 pounds. Anyway. Love you, bye.

 

EXT–SCHOOL–FIELD–DAY 

“Milkshake” by Kelis is playing.

Scott’s running across the field kicking ass. Allison’s keeping an eye on him.

 

INT–STILES’S HOUSE–HIS ROOM–DAY 

Stiles’s watching werewolf porn. There’s a knock at the door. Scott comes in.

 

STILES

Hey, man. You’ll want to see this. I just found such kinky werewolf porn, it’s so hot. And one of the actors looks so like Derek. We can print out a still from it and send it to Derek with a note “I know what you did last summer”.

SCOTT

…

STILES

…

SCOTT

Are you seriously wasting my time with this?

STILES

 Yap.

SCOTT

Ok, I gotta go.

STILES

Btw, you can’t go to that party with Allison, the full moon’s tonight and you’re a werewolf.

SCOTT

Fuck you.

STILES

Well fuck you too.

SCOTT

You know what? I’m gonna scoop a deep groove on your chair since I have these Lana Del Rey claws.

 

INT–THAT PARTY–NIGHT 

 “Wannabe” by Spice Girls is playing.

 

SCOTT

C’mon, let’s dance. It’s my favorite song.

 

Allison and Scott are dancing.

SCOTT

Allison, do you ever know who sings this?

ALLISON

Ashton Kutcher?

SCOTT

Omg.

 

“212” by Azealia Banks starts to play. It makes Scott sick. He runs away.

 

INT–SCOTT’S HOUSE–BATHROOM–NIGHT 

Scott’s crying in the bath.

 

INT–SCOTT’S HOUSE–HIS ROOM–NIGHT 

Stiles comes.

 

STILES

Are you ok?

SCOTT

Derek Hale. He’s the one who starred in porn.

STILES

Fuck yeah. Btw, he’s kidnapped Allison.

SCOTT

Damn. She’s still got my shirt. I need to take it back.

 

EXT–SCOTT’S HOUSE–YARD–NIGHT

Scott turns into a midnight bitch and runs away.

 

EXT–ALLISON’S HOUSE–NIGHT

Stiles knocks. CREEPY MOM opens the door.

 

STILES

Can I say crazy things for a while?

CREEPY MOM

(screaming)

Allison!

 

Allison appears with no makeup and scares Stiles.

 

EXT–WOODS–NIGHT

Scott meets Derek. Scott bullies Derek.

 

DEREK

You’re mad.

SCOTT

You’re creepy and perverse.

 

Suddenly someone throws a burrito into Scott. He screams.

SCOTT

I’ve been shot!

 

Scott’s crying.

 

SCOTT

I’ve just been shot.

 

Derek tries to perform an artificial respiration.

 

SCOTT

Ew, I can’t make out with you. You starred in porn.

 

Derek stares.

 

DEREK

(madly)

What? I didn’t.

SCOTT

Anyway. Who were they?

DEREK

The hunties.

 

EXT–SCHOOL–YARD–DAY

Allison meets Scott.

 

ALLISON

I’m not gonna return your shirt until you date me.

SCOTT

Dammit.

 

A car honks.

 

ALLISON

It’s my dad. Love you, bye.

SCOTT

(sadly)

Too-doo-loo.

 

Allison gets in her dad’s car. Scott sees DAD.

 

SCOTT

(whispering)

Fuck, he’s sexy.

 

Scott waves to Dad. Dad winks to Scott. Scott starts to sweat heavily.

 

FIN


End file.
